The Random Observations of a Random Observer
by Karma-of-Chaos
Summary: A random observer, the calico cat, and a rubber ducky. All pitied witnesses to most likely the greastest mistake the gods ever made: luna, karmi, and the sorcerer hunters. All under one roof. It's like some horror version of Survivor or something...
1. Windows Are Dangerous To Your Health

The Random Observations of a Random Observer  
  
Chapter One: Windows Are Dangerous To Your Health  
  
A green-haired girl sat on the edge of a bed, which was sagging under the weight of all the crap that had been piled upon it. Wading through a bunch of crumpled papers, she turned her head in sudden response to a sleek calico cat jumping into her arms. Smiling and walking forward, she ran straight into the single window in her room.  
  
Now, normally, one would just bang your head and fall back down and remark upon your stupidity upon running into a window. (I mean, after all, how many people can run into a window?!) But, of course, Karmi, always the non-conformist, went straight through the window and into the black hole, which had just appeared. Go figure.  
  
~ Meanwhile, In Another Part Of Town. ~  
  
Luna Nehelania Pierce, Karmi's slightly more graceful friend, is simply not klutzy enough to run into a window. However, she is not above tripping on something. In this particular instance, the object in questions was a rubber ducky. No one knows exactly how and why there was a rubber ducky in Luna's room, on the account of A)she does not possess one, and B) Luna is simply not that weird...to have a rubber ducky floating around aimlessly in her room. Karmi is a different story, but let's not go into that.  
  
Thus, you can guess what happened next. Luna tripped and fell straight into her window. Boom, except without the noise, since, like Karmi, instead of actually hitting the window, she went straight through it. Black hole, etc etc, voila. (Well, hers was white. Just to annoy her by making her be sucked into a giant vastness of WHITE.) Instant transportation to the Spooner Continent. Oh the possibilities. . .  
  
tbc  
  
AN: Woo hoo! I am going to have SO MUCH FUN with this! = D Not that anyone will actually ever read it, but oh well! ^_______________^ Also, note that both the rubber ducky and calico cat follow us into Spooner. Hehehehe....  
  
Until next time ya'll! 


	2. Bandaids Have Great Powers

The Random Observations of a Random Observer Chapter Two: Bandaids Have Great Powers  
  
Karmi screamed as she fell through the large black hole. Luna sat crosslegged beside her, wondering why this had to happen on Saturday. Since our beloved Earth scientists have yet to figure out the hows and whys of black holes, we must consider it entirely possible that this particular one lead to Spooner. Which it did. Which is why the large screaming mass that was Karmi fell straight down and right onto the muscle wonder named Gaeteu. It was a rather soft landing for Karmi, who immeadtly stopped screaming, blinked several times and promptly sat on Gaeteu's shoulders and curiously poked him.  
  
Luna, however, was not so lucky. Continuing to fall, she landed, face first, into the large pile of logs Gaeteu had been chopping.  
  
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! $^*%^*)@$(@)$(^*%)&*()*()@$(!@#(#)$%#)(@!#)(^*%)&*$#@#$^&&*%T^$#!@!@#%&^*&%# $%@#$!#!@#$%&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luna screamed hysterically, holding her face in her hands.  
  
Karmi, ever oblivious, blinked several times and wondered why luna was making such a fuss. After all, the logs had been chopped very nicely. After about 10 more minutes of hysterical and very uncharteristic screaming on Luna's part, Gaeteu got the idea into his head that he should probably find out exactly who these people were. Which he did.  
  
"Um, miss?" Gaeteu questioned, tapping her on the leg several times and looking up.  
  
"Huh, me?" Karmi replied, turning her head from staring at Luna, who was now running around in little circles and sobbing, holding her nose, and turned towards the blonde haired man upon whom she had taken residence.  
  
"Yes, um, might I ask what your name is?"  
  
"Oh. Oh! It's Karmi! Nice to meet ya!"  
  
"Nice to meet you too...I think. My name is Gaeteu. Gaeteu Mocha."  
  
They both shook hands akwardly, considering Karmi was still sitting on his shoulders. Luna, by this time, had stopped screaming, but merely stood there, tears gushing, and holding her nose most pitifully. Amidst the moment of odd silence, Karmi squealed upon seeing Sprekles, her beloved calico cat, sitting clamly alongside a yellow rubber duck.  
  
"SPREKLES!" she hugged the cat tightly, the cat rather annoyed at this very undignified position.  
  
Luna and Gaeteu sweatdropped in the background.  
  
~ Meanwhile, In Another Part Of Town. ~  
  
Marron Glace sat at a large wood desk, studying several totally incomprhensible ancient scrolls which would make no sense whatsoever to anyone except for weird smart people like Marron who are actually intrested in this sort of thing. Carrot, Chocolate, Tira, and the village elder's daughter were all engaged in a very large cloud of dust. Now, after reading that sentence, you must think me very odd indeed, but it is the truth. You see, Carrot had started hitting on Juniper, the daughter, who had punched him out, and then Chocolate had come to his "rescue," and then Tira, stupidly, had tried to stop the fighting, and so now they were all in various odd positions, wrestling, and bringing up a large amount of dust. Thus, they were all engaged in a large cloud of dust. End commentary.  
  
Marron, as always, for the sake of his own sanity, chose to ignore them. However, it was getting late, and Gaeteu was not back yet, which WAS cause for worry. Usually the blonde (in his neverending quest for firewood) would chop up several trees, load them up in a cart, and come back home. This would take no longer than an hour. But it was now 6:30, and he had left at 5. Oh yes, this was very odd indeed.  
  
Sighing, Marron got up, took one look at the wrestling teens, decided not to get involved, and was about walk out the door in search for their missing group member when he ran smack dab into a short girl with black hair as long as his. Now, Marron was relatively okay, because despite being more of magician than physical fighter, he was in pretty good shape. Luna, on the other hand, was not. Her very fragile and bloody nose had now been crunched straight into the very solid Marron, and the sobs started again, to the shock of Marron, curiosity of Karmi, and annoyance of Gaeteu.  
  
Now you must understand that Luna crying is a very unusual occurance. Very unusual. If it had been, say, Karmi, we would not have given it a second thought. But, being that it is Luna, and not Karmi, it is all very odd. I would like for everyone to take a moment to realize the irony and have a very hearty laugh at Luna's expense. Alright. Moment over. Back to the plot line, or lack there of.  
  
"Lu-na!" Karmi exclaimed for high atop Gaeteu Tower, throwing her hands out, "What's wrong now?"  
  
"MY NOSE DAMNIT! IT GOT CRUNCHED BY THIS BIG STUPID THING IN MY WAY!" Luna screamed back, tears gushing as she wailed in pain.  
  
"So why don't you uncrunch it?"  
  
Let us all marvel at Karmi's stupidity.  
  
"YOU DUMBASS! I CAN'T *UNCRUNCH* IT! IT'S BROKEN AND BLEEDING AND FUCK IT, IT HURTS!"  
  
Marron, being a gentleman and one not wishing to hurt random young women, pulled out his magical healing kit, and promptly took out a bandaid.  
  
Yes, a bandaid.  
  
Now, normally, a broken bleeding nose could NOT be fixed with a mere bandaid. But in the world of Spooner, and more importantly, Anime, bandaids have great powers. Great great powers. Appyling the said bandaid to Luna's nose, she immediatly stopped crying, sniffled, and looked up at Marron poutily.  
  
Stepping out of the way, Luna marched in, nose in the air, trying to mantain whatever diginity she had left. (which, note, was very little.) Karmi, still sitting on Gaeteu's shoulders, ducked as they went through the door next. Last but least, Sprekles, rubber duck in mouth, padded in, finding nothing at all odd with this situation.  
  
tbc  
  
AN: Woo hoo! That was a little longer than the previous one. Yay! Go me. This is very very fun. Stay tuned for the next chapter ya'll! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, much love and hugs you guys! 


	3. Those Five Small Words

The Random Observations of a Random Observer Chapter Three: Those Five Small Words  
  
Luna awoke to sunlight shining through her large window, surrounded by luxiourous silk sheets, down quilts, and pillows made of what felt like clouds. Sighing happily, she decided Spooner might not be such a bad place after all. The she spied Carrot, peering through an obviously self-made peep hole. Throwing a shoe at him, she took a reality check and knew that Spooner, despite having huge rooms with absolutely heavenly bed and breakfasts, was not her home, and not where she belonged. Especially if Carrot was there.  
  
Luna, upon thinking of ways to escape Spooner (if we left it up to Karmi...this story would never end), got out of bed and got dressed in one of the outfits they provided, trying to pick out the least slinkiest. Finally settling on an off-the-shoulder black longsleeve shirt and knee- length dark purple/blue pleated skirt with black knee socks and black kid shoes. It was all very black, seeing as this is Luna's favorite color. She is a very dark, morbid, quiet person, so, black suits her.  
  
Karmi however, was not so concious of slinkyness factors or dark colors.She came bounding in, wearing a light pink shirt made of hankerchief material that was exceedingly low cut and see-through with flowing sleeves and a tie up back. Her skirt, like Luna's, was black and pleated, but consderably shorter that Lu-chan's. Completing this outfit that was sure to grab some of Carrot's most unwanted attentions was a pair of white socks. Yes, plain, regular, white socks.  
  
She apparently had some news which needed immediate divulgence, and began spewing out her message as soon as she had at least half of Luna's attention,  
  
"Since we are both teenagers, we are required to go to school as long as we are here. It will be held at Lings High, and today's course will be..."  
  
Karmi paused for a moment to remember what this mystery course was,  
  
"Sex Ed!" she finished, squealing, and running off, half -tripping on all the wooden flooring but somehow managing to make it without falling as far as Luna's eye could see. Luna's mind however, was not on Karmi's well-being (shame on you luna!). It was on those five simple, yet utterly horrific words that in their innoncence, doomed her to a fate worse than death, purgatory, hell, or any means of torture know to man or animal:  
  
Sex Ed with Carrot Glace.  
  
Eyes as round as saucers, and looking like, quite frankly, she was about to go into shock, Luna dropped the misc. item in her hand, stared at the empty hallway, and murmured to herself, "No....please kami no."  
  
~ Meanwhile, In Another Part of Town. ~  
  
The village elder, consequently called Elder Brooks, was a very old- fashioned, appropriate sort of man. So when he had been volunteered to teach Sex Ed on such short notice, was, quite frankly, extremely terrified. However, recruiting a young girl with jade-toned hair who was sitting atop a large muscular blonde, who was pretty much the only one who didn't make leude comments about the diagrams, his fear subsisded somewhat.  
  
Finally, everything had been set up in the PE gym, Karmi, as the girl was called, still sitting on Gaeteu, as the man was called, had chosen a seat in the middle, and he had a feeling neither of them were particularily bright folks, they were however, hard workers, (well, at least the blonde was, the green haired on tried to lead, she really tried, but she could simply not retain the directions of Here, There, and To Your Left,) and he was glad to have company.  
  
Slowly, students filtered in. Marron and Tira came in first sitting at their desks and working quietly on things for other classes. Next to hobble in half-awake was Chocolate, followed by Carrot who was coming on to Juniper at any possible opportunity. Last, but not least, was Luna, trembling in fear, accompained by none other that the cheerful Dota, who apparently had to take classes too.  
  
Dear God, what have they gotten themselves into?  
  
The bell finally rang, starting the class. E. Brooks, or Mr. Ebbie, as Karmi and Dota {who were disturbingly similar} had taken to calling him, began going over the rules of Sex Ed. Seeing as this would be a long boring list of things they did not care about, they proceeded to ignore him and talked amongst themselves.  
  
"Hey Juuuniper, are you tired? Cause you keep running through my dreams..." Carrot said attempting to be suave and debonair.  
  
He of course ended up getting slapped.  
  
"Come on Carrot, that was pathetic even for you." Tira moaned, sweatdropping.  
  
"Yes little brother, can't you manage some scrap of decency in your dating attempts?" Marron said reproachfully.  
  
"Oh I'm not the one who doesn't like girls here...."  
  
"What?!" A blushing Marron fumed, raising a scroll and brandishing it like a weapon.  
  
"Girly boy girly boy, Marron is a girly boy!"  
  
"I AM NOT!!"  
  
"Yes you are, you have a crush onnn...Gaetaeu!!!"  
  
"Eeeew....Carrot, your mind's been in worse places than mine has, and that's pretty damn bad!!" Karmi yelled, turning and looking at him in disgust, having picked up some of their conversation.  
  
"And where exactly has your mind been, my lucious little Karma..." Carrot replied lustily, leaning over to get a better...view. Shudder.  
  
Karmi blinked rapidly, and after several minutes realized Carrot was leaning so that he could see straight down her shirt.  
  
"CARROT! STOP THAT YOU NASTY BOY!" Smmmmaccccck. Red hand print on the cheek. Knee in the stomach. Oooh, Ahhh, that had to hurt.....  
  
"Ooooouuuhhhhh...uuuaaaahhh....Ka-Ka-Karmieeeehhh...tha-a-at hurrrtttt...."  
  
"No dippin' dots Sherlock."  
  
Luna, meanwhile had a score sheet that read: Karmi - 1, Carrot - 0. It also had lots of little morbid luna scribbles on it, but that's besides the point.  
  
Hmmm...if this devolps some more I may have to set up the good old betting tables...Oh yea, I'll be rollin' in the dough... Luna though wickedly to herself, planning on exploiting everyone in every possible way, and not feeling the least bit guilty about it. After all, money is money - pictures of dead white guys and all.  
  
Unexpectedly, Ebbie{Elder Brooks} cleared his throat and it sounded like a train wreck, causing them all to turn around a pay attention. After all, witnessing death by choking on your own saliva is a rare event. Ebbie, however, was not dying, but was pleased with how well is hacking fit had caught the attention of the class.  
  
"Now minnasan...." he began, and was just about to be droned out again, when he pulled forth from the shadows a full scale replica of the female body, and a very detailed on at that. And after that it went like dominos: Carrot staring out right unabashedly bug-eyed and drooling, Gaeteau staring blankly until finally realizing what the hell it was and looking down politely, and Marron, blushing rather profusely at both the replica and his brother's reaction, and also looking down, though for him it was mostly shame and embarrasment of his brother.  
  
The girls were different: Luna groaned loudly, Tira also groaned some, Chocolate, Dota, and Karmi all stared kind of blankly, lost as to what was so important. Juniper was thankful, as now Carrot had something to stare at other than her.  
  
"This is the female body. Here we see the aerole of the breast, and here is the....erm....nipple. The main function of the...." Ebbie stumbled along, a credit to his generation for not giving up completly. Carrot was wondering about multiple OTHER uses for the breast, and was thinking about uttering them out loud when a large yellow object hit him like a giant...something out of the sky. Bouncing off his head and smacking Karmi, the small rubber duck squeaked to a halt on the floor.  
  
Luna, the thrower, had achieved her goal in knocking whatever highly perverted thought he was about to speak out, but inadvertently hitting Karmi, who for several minutes entertained the idea that the sky was falling and screamed and threw a giant fuss, one could only feel sorry for Gaeteau.  
  
The hysteria caught on to the panicky group of Student Population, and in the growing mass confusion, Carrot had groped three girls and had swipped the replica. The students went home early, temporarily postponing the worst that was yet to come.  
  
tbc  
  
AN: WHOA! Took me a long time to get this out!!! Major gomen to anyone who anyone who actually reads my stuff, I really am trying! Kudos to Luna for keeping me on task...I think{rubs poor bashed skull}. Half of this was written on a late night Mountain Dew high so it may seem a little wacky, but I promise I'm really gonna devolp the whole sex-ed thing a lot more in the next chapter{is this a good thing...?}. I want to see more of Chocolate and Gaeteau, and just the charecters in general, because dawg-gonnit, it maybe a comedy, but it's going to be a well-devolped one!!!{erm...no sexual pun intended. bad Carrot bad for making Karmi a hentai! bad boy!} 


	4. In Which Our Heroes Learn About Sex, And...

The Random Observations of a Random Observer Chapter Four: In Which Our Heroes Learn About Sexual Intercourse And Ebbie Goes Slightly Insane.  
  
Carrot is not a bad person. He just has a highly highly highly active sex drive, and has no qualms in showing that. And that is exactly why Luna was dreading tommorow. Oh she dreaded it - utterly and completly and in a most fearful and dreading way. For tommorow, the second and final Sex Ed class was to take place. But she finally drifted off...  
  
The next thing the pale, wallflower girl knew, Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock's combined terror was blaring on the radio. Detestable sunshine glared in her eyes, but it was better than what she was about to witness: Karmi, Carrot, Chocolate, and Tira waltzing around the hall in their socks playing floor hockey. Karmi and Tira were the only ones really playing - Chocolate now had the scantily clad Carrot up against the wall and she was teaching Carrot why it would not be to his advantage to ignore her anymore in several interesting ways.  
  
But that is besides the point. Lord knows where they got the puck, but right now it was on a collision course for luna's nose. And it hit - right on target.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" Luna screeched, holding onto her nose painfully.  
  
At the sound of a scream, Marron and Gaeteu came running, Marron in silky white pjs and Gaeteu in cotton plaid pj bottoms. Carrot suggestivly questioned what they had been doing in the bedroom prompting a flying skillet in the face on Tira's part, and all the while Luna was screaming and chasing Karmi for her puck-aiming skills, Karmi had put on 8o's dance music and was dancing around the room, and all in all: it was mass chaos.  
  
And that was how the morning began.  
  
BRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGG  
  
Karmi was once again perched on Gaeteu's shoulders. Upfront, the teacher was preparing himself. Preparing himself for possibly the hardest and most difficult, and BY-FAR the most humilating thing he would ever do in his life - explain sexual intercourse to a bunch of rowdy teenagers.  
  
He immediatly pulled out his Prozac and popped about 5.  
  
"Class, we will now discuss the process of sexual intercourse." he said trembling.  
  
The room became eerily silent as all faces turned to him. He tugged on his shirt collar and wiped his profusely sweating forehead and continued.  
  
"This process first begins with Stimulation. Both partners...touch, kiss, etc to get the other...stimulated. This is commonly called fore-play."  
  
The class erupted into giggles, with Carrot shouting "You know this from experience?!" and another shouting back "Hey, how ELSE did Ginger get here?!" and yet another saying "Whoo Hoo go Mr. Ebbie!!"  
  
Marron prayed for a quick death.  
  
With some skillet action on Tira's part and some rubber duck action on Luna's, the class was settled, but not before Karmi asked what exactly "touching and kissing" involved as Luna face-vaulted from pure embarrsment. Marron finally cried out, "MOVING ON!" and thus the teacher began again, thouroughly terrified.  
  
"The next step is Advanced Stimulation/Erection. (whoops from the back of the class) The male's...sex organ is erected, the female's nipples are...taut...and...erm...they both begin to lubricate...." the brave old man stuttered on, redder than a New Jersey tomato and choking on his own words. The class reacted differently.  
  
Carrot and several other rather perverted boys began making moaning and "oh god yes" sounds, while all the girls blushed, the less perverse boys hid their heads, and Chocolate looked like she was about to have an orgasm from his description. The only one in the room who had NO clue what was going on was...you guessed it, Karmi.  
  
"Umm...what's lubrication?"  
  
"The white stuff in the middle!"  
  
"Yea baby, can I get a double-stuffed?!"  
  
"Are we talking about oreos?"  
  
"Of course Karmi!"  
  
"What do oreos have to do with sex?"  
  
"Nothing Karmi, they're just a bunch of-"  
  
"Hey hey, let's not get insultive here!"  
  
"Carrot Glace I'm gonna...!"  
  
"Ooh, I like it when they play it rough!"  
  
"CARROT!"  
  
"Little brother, you better stop while your behind."  
  
"As oppsed to what?"  
  
"Dead."  
  
"He does have a point Carrot."  
  
"Hey Ginger lookin' fine today I see..."  
  
"CLASS!!!!!!" The teacher screamed, looking Suddam Hussien on drugs. Or maybe on a lack of drugs.  
  
At this point, all Ebbie wanted to do was remain ALIVE. Forget dignity, forget decency, he simply wanted to wake up to a couple of eggs and some good old Tropicana the next morning, not the pearly gates. In fact, he didn't even ask for that. A moldy piece of toast would do just fine.  
  
So, bordering on the edge of epileptic insanity, he started to speak, or, more rather, squeek, again.  
  
"The next step is the CLIMAX, also know as the ORRR-gAssssssmmM!" * insert high-pitched laughter here. *  
  
"Hey, sounds like he's having one right now."  
  
"Carrot!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Behave yourself!"  
  
Ebbie could obviously not take much more of this. In fact, he couldn't take anymore of this. Screaming for his teddy bear and ranting on and on about mass production of Rogaine, he stumbled out of the room. The students cheered, the knot in Luna's stomach tightened about 10-fold, and Karmi sat there, staring at the ceiling, and wondering exactly what those funny bumpy things in the paint were.  
  
And that was the end of Sex Ed with Carrot Glace. See you next time!  
  
tbc  
  
AN: Wow, took me awhile to get this one out. Well, I hope it was worth the wait to everyone. RR&F guys! (Read, Review, and Flame) Much thanks to Luna for beating on me to get this finished. All my motivation rests with her. Praise Luna!  
  
"Sixth period English class: Hell. Smell the sulfur, feel the flames." - Meg-chan 


	5. In Which We Meet The Magical Bandaid Fai...

The Random Observations Of A Random Observer Chapter 5: In Which We Meet The Magical Bandaid Fairy and Marron Does The Commentary  
  
It had been exactly 10 days, 6 hours, 45 minutes, and 21 seconds since *22* Luna had been torn *23* from her world *24* so unkindly and *25* forced to endure *26* this hellish place *27* of sex and *28* drugs and SUNLIGHT.*29* So much fucking *30* sunlight.  
  
*31* . . .*32* . . . *33* . . . *3-DAMNIT!  
  
She had been reduced to counting the SECONDS! *Must think of a plan must think of a plan must think of a plan must think of-*BANG!  
  
Marron: (No that was not a plan.)  
  
OW SHIT MOTHERFUCKER OW OW OW OW OW OW  
  
Marron: (That was a wall.)  
  
DAMNITTTTTTTTTT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN  
  
Marron: (Which has just come into contact with Luna's nose.)  
  
WHY MEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?  
  
Marron: (Because Luna was walking around while she attempted to concoct a plan. How dumb.)  
  
I NEED A BANDAID!! * sob sob sob *  
  
Marron: (End commentary.)  
  
*60*  
  
All of the sudden, a giant, disturbingly pink fairy/magical-girl type thing appeared in front of Luna. On her nose was the sanctimonius BANDAID. And, low and behold, on her waist she had AN ENTIRE BOX.  
  
Let us all marvel.  
  
"Hiiii! My name is Twinkie, and I am the Almighty Bandaid Fairy! I am here to cure all your ills and grant to you one, holy bandaid which will heal the world and spread peace, love, and happiness across the universe! Yay!"  
  
Luna raised an eyebrow all the way past her hairline. This chick was some scary shit, yo.  
  
And, making a great show of pink sparklies and dancing around and twirling a glitter filled pompom/baton while homocidal sickly sweet music played in the background, she shouted in a voice so high off the tone scale Kami saw it whiz by on his way to Wal*Mart "HEALING DUCKY BANDAID SUGAR KISS!"  
  
And with that, a small, latex-free, pink bandaid with small ducky print appeared on Luna's nose and peace and love spread across the world and all the universe was at peace.  
  
And then we all remembered Bush was president. Damn, so close.  
  
*111*  
  
But at least now we are no longer scared by the very scary site of Luna crying. So scary.  
  
Luna blinked several times, scowled at the color but conceded that she DID feel a hell of a lot better, and turned to the vast space of pinkness that now occupied her room while the horrible sugar music still played on a barbie boombox about 5 inches tall. It's suprising how much of hell can escape from so small a place.  
  
Quickly crushing and grinding the boombox and using Lysol air-freshener to remove the pink void, she gave a sigh of relief. But that damned fairy was still there.  
  
"Hey, are you going to like, disappear or something?" "I can't." "What?!" "You air-freshenered my teleport station." "WHAT?! Can't you just make another one?!?!" "Nope. All my magical juicy juice is gone." Twitch. Twitch twitch. "Magical...juicy juice?" "Yes! Magical juicy juice! Yay!"  
  
Luna was about to state that fuck it all, she could just run to Wal*Mart and BUY some more, but then she remembered that she was in Spooner, in fact, trying to concoct a plan to get out of Spooner, which had gotten her into this whole mess in the first place. And now she was stuck with this...thing....  
  
"CRAP ON A STICK!" Luna screamed. She screamed it very very loud. In fact, it was so loud, I should probably put it like this: "CRAP ON A STICCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There. That's better.  
  
And so ends the introduction of our newest character: Twinkie, The Almighty Bandaid Fairy. Courtesy of Luna dearest.  
  
* 176 * (Random Observer: Damnit will you quit that!! Marron: Sorry. I'll try.) (End commentary.)  
  
All of the sudden, out of nowhere, they heard this rather disturbing sentence:  
  
"DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!"  
  
Blink. Blink blink.  
  
And all of the sudden, some guy in black with redd0sh-blonde hair ran through the room. Right past Luna, right past Twinkie The Magicial Bandaid Fairy, and right into the door, with one happy Karmi tailing him and screaming "DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!"  
  
"OW! Shit motherfucker, that HURT!"  
  
"Du-uh, you ran into a door you tard."  
  
"I'm not a tard! Retard damnit!"  
  
"Tarrrrddddd!"  
  
"Agh!"  
  
At this point, there is some wrestling on the ground, and some things that could be construed as sexual harrasament, and some more things that WERE sexual harrasment, before Karmi lost her attention span. It was at this point that she noticed Twinkie.  
  
"Ah! You're PINK! And you have little WINGS! And...and...* gasp * BANDAIDS!"  
  
The Twinkie responded as thus, "Yes, that I do."  
  
-BzzzrRErawesf TECH DIFF dafreajpertttttttttttttt-  
  
Ruroni Kenshin: What the hell am I doing here?! And why is that pink weirdo talking like me, that she is!  
  
Random Observer: You're not even in this story...shoo....  
  
RK: but, I can be in this story if I wish, that I can!  
  
RO: No you can't....* pushes a button. RK dissapears. *  
  
Pikachu: PIKA!  
  
-Bzzzzzzzzzzzz-  
  
Everyone blinked. That was weird. Oh well.  
  
Karmi grabbed the guy in black by his shirt and showed him proudly to Luna. "Lookit what I caught! He was outside!  
  
Luna stared for a couple of moments, looked up at the ceiling and promptly made this comment:  
  
"Why God WHY?! All I did was refer to you as a donkey!"  
  
Karmi blinked, and the black clothes guy said, "Hi, I'm Jade."  
  
"Yes! This is Jade! Who's you're new friend Luna?"  
  
"I'm Twinkie. I'm the Magical Bandaid Fairy!"  
  
"WOW!"  
  
Karmi and Twinkie both skipped off out of Luna's room and to God-knows- where to do God-knows-what. Gee, God sure does know a lot. I wish I was that enlightened. Jade and Luna both stared into the camera screen and questioned, in unision,  
  
"What the fuck are you looking at?"  
  
(End commentary.)  
  
tbc *457*  
  
AN: Ooh, it's been a long time! But I thought this chapter was worth it. We met Twinkie and Jade! XD Yes, they, like myself and Luna, are actual people. More will be coming next chapter. And, I want response on the whole RK thing. Personally, I thought it was amusing, but then again no one's mind works quite like mine. The song 'Dude Looks Like A Lady' is heretofore property of the kick-ass band Aerosmith, which I do not own, and probably never will. and, while I'm at it, that's a kick-ass song too. XD Tchsus! 


	6. GASP!: A Friend for Luna

GASP! : Finally, a friend for Luna  
  
Precisely three things were keeping Jade and Carrot from dying right then and there. Firstly was that they were on Karmi's good side, which is usually a dead giveaway anyway.  
  
"I HATE YOU BOTH!"  
  
Secondly was that Luna's room, which they had made a terrible mess of, was now as good as it was going to get compared to its Kansas tornado wreck of before.  
  
"DIE YOU DIRTY SLUTS!"  
  
Third and foremost though was that Gateau, with all of his strength and willpower, was restraining Luna from going on a homicidal rampage.  
  
"LEMME GO GATEAU! I'M GONNA RIP THEIR FLESH TO SHREDS!"  
  
Twinkie: Allow me to explain the situation thus far.  
  
"BASTARDS! WAIT TILL I GET A FUCKING HOLD OF YOU!"  
  
Twinkie: Jade, our newest addition, is an odd person indeed. He's one-third Carrot, one-third Karmi and one-third Luna in nature. Naturally though the Carrot-ness overrides everything else.  
  
"SICK SUICIDAL HENTAIS!"  
  
Twinkie: Therefore, for all his cunning, Jade thought it would be a good idea to play a trick on Karmi and Luna. He enlisted Carrot's help because they are both perverts in arms.  
  
"I'M GOING TO CHOP YOU BOTH UP--"  
  
Twinkie: So they set up a trap. They each hid under a girl's bed to wait until they changed clothes to- er- peak.  
  
"AND THEN I'M GONNA DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE--"  
  
Twinkie: To say the least- it didn't work. So when Luna caught Carrot (Jade took Karmi's room) she pursued him in search of blood. Thus, her room was destroyed, and it became Carrot's fault.  
  
"AND BURN YOU TO HELL-BORNE ASH CLOUDS!"  
  
Twinkie: Jade is being threatened because it was his idea in the first place and (in Luna's opinion) Karmi went too easy on him.  
  
(end commentary)  
  
As for the rest of our team, they were in predictable pinpoints. Chocolate was trying to "comfort" Carrot and threaten his future-killer at the same time. Tira and Marron were alternatively trying to grasp hold of what the heck was going on from Karmi and Dota who kept erupting into fits of giggles.  
  
Twinkie, done with her commentary duties, had left to fiddle around in the kitchen.  
  
Exhausted with over-exertion caused from trying uselessly to free herself from Gateau's arms, Luna slumped over in angry defeat. 'Damn it my throat hurts.'  
  
It seemed that the world of Spooner and its inhabitants had a personal vendetta against her.  
  
"Will you stop trying to kill them now?" Gateau cocked an eyebrow, disbelief and concern marring his judgement. She had nearly clawed his arms off, after all!  
  
"Mmpff." Luna grunted, her hair hiding her pissed expression. "She said, "Fine. Whatever." Karmi, standing amused on the sidelines, spoke fluent Luna-ish and thusly translated for all present.  
  
As soon as she was released Luna slumped to the floor, swaying dejectedly. Sighing, she walked off to her newly repaired room. "Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this, huh?" Opening the door she turned and sent a blood- freezing death glare in Jade and Carrot's directions.  
  
"You two better thank whatever Gods you praise for repair magic or else you'd be shishkabobs right now." With that she slammed her door and locked the handle.  
  
Karmi and everyone else blinked for a moment, at a loss of what to do.  
  
Jade was the first to recover. "Jeez, what got that bitch so riled up? It was just a little prank." Carrot, puppy faced, cradled his face in his hands. "She nearly sliced me up; I didn't even get to see anything! Luna sleeps in her clothes!"  
  
Chocolate, as loving and attentive a person as she is, was not too happy a person now that her beloved was out of danger from the feral psycho girl. "What did you just say Darling? Is that what that was about?"  
  
Ever the impulsive person, Chocolate had completely ignored the situation. Carrot had been in imminent danger and she had been there to help.  
  
That's what had mattered. at the moment.  
  
This was a different moment altogether. Carrot was as good as mincemeat.  
  
"DARRRRRRLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"  
  
In a streak of red and brown discolored bodies the two wayward "lovers" ~insert Luna's snicker here~ bolted down the hallway, careened around the corner (just barely missing a collision) and flew out into the distance.  
  
"Wow." Karmi breathed. "That was just like in a cartoon or something!"  
  
In the common fashion of Spooner, let us all marvel at that which is Karmi.  
  
Dota, who was so used to the group's antics as to be immune to their undeniable charm, snorted with pride. "That's nothing! Lookit what I can do Karmi!" She scrunched her face up tight and with a tentative flutter moved her wings enough to fly.  
  
(AN: In the anime Dota sorta just. floats. but in the manga it looks like she has a little difficulty using her real wings due to their size. Just so ya know.)  
  
Karmi was spellbound. "WOW!" And with a really, really, REALLY deep breath (we're talking inhaling dust from two corners down the hall here people!) said,  
  
"DoyouthinkIcanflywithyouDotaImeanareyoustrongenoughtocarrymeOOHOOHcanwegoal lthewaydownthehalldoyaTHINK?! PRETTY PLEASE WITH STRAWBERRY POCKY ON TOP, PLEASE?!"  
  
~insert agonizing exhaling breath here~  
  
Which was promptly replied with-  
  
"Sure!"  
  
Oh the irony. Oh the humor. Oh the need of breath mint.  
  
(AN: somebody put some Orbit gum in the staff room for gods sake!)  
  
And thus Karmi ended up flying around the halls, alternatively whooping for joy and singing "I Believe I Can Fly". By now our other remaining three heroes were so confused and sad and left out that when they heard the agonizing scream echo off the walls, they felt some odd churning sensation that brought pleasantly grueling smiles to their faces.  
  
Luna later told Tira not to be afraid because, "I get it all the time. Its called sadistic glee."  
  
Chocolate came out from around the corner, idly humming a song she had heard Karmi singing for the past 6 hours (before this whole ordeal had started that is.) She had sung lyrics, something about "Stacey's mom" or something, but damn it was catchy.  
  
So obviously the scream was not from Chocolate, nor Chocolate's doing (lest she be "innocently cradling" the newly maimed Carrot to her breast.)  
  
So who-  
  
"GET HIM AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Carrot was running as fast as he could, a brown fuzzy dash in the hunters' field of vision, closely followed by a gaining purple dash.  
  
"CARROOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"  
  
'Strange,' Marron thought, 'That voice sounds familiar.'  
  
Now Carrot, as we all know, is not a very keen boy. Nope, not at all the brightest crayon in the box. However he has yet to hit rock bottom, so there was hope. A sliver, but a ray nonetheless, of hope.  
  
He had to find safety from the dangerous purple dot.  
  
So, with lightning quick survival instincts-  
  
~*~Bzzzzzz~*~  
  
Pikachu: Pika?  
  
Random Observer: GYAHHH! NOT YOU! LEAVE!  
  
Pikachu: ~dejectedly~ Pi*ka. ~disappears~  
  
Random Observer: -__-"  
  
~*~TAKE 2!~*~  
  
So, with lightning quick survival instincts, he evaluated his situation. He couldn't hide behind Gateau. As strong and agreeable a character as he was, he couldn't protect him from so sly foe.  
  
Tira or Chocolate?  
  
HELL NO!  
  
Tira maybe, but he knew what would come of it. He'd get "cuddled" by Chocolate ~insert shudder here~ and whipped raw by Tira just because he asked them a small favor: SAVE HIS HIDE!  
  
So that left his brother and Karmi. Karmi was. well she had a hot bod but no lights on in the attic, if ya know what he meant. (AN: CARROT!) Marron was his best bet. His brother loved him enough to protect his life under most circumstances so- no.  
  
His brother was too nice a person, his enemy too cunning. His brother would fall prey to the devil and he would be left to fend for himself.  
  
Left with little to no options, Carrot chose the best solution possible, in his opinion.  
  
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Carrot, the whizzing brown dot, proceeded to run down Luna's locked door and immediately dove under her bed, praying that the purple dot was blind or something.  
  
"Please don't find me! Please don't find me! Please don't find me! Please don- "  
  
"CARROT GLACE YOU MOTHER FUCKING SICK MINDED PIG BRAINED CHICKEN SHIT OF A MAN!"  
  
"MEEP!"  
  
Before he knew it his "roof" (the mattress) was being violently ripped from above him as a fist with black-polished claws grasped the cuff of his collar and yoinked (yes, yoinked) him up into the air.  
  
To his utter horror, the purple dot had stopped in its conquest to watch.  
  
"Hi Carrot!"  
  
Mille Feuille. Of all the people..  
  
"CARROT GLACE YOU BETTER GIVE ME A DAMN GOOD REASON AS TO WHY YOU'RE IN MY ROOM WITHIN THE NEXT 7 SECONDS OR I'LL--"  
  
In a move that has been widely regarded as either courageous or incredibly insane (maybe even a bit of both) Carrot Glace latched his arms around Luna's waist, buried his face in her stomach, and proceeded to scream, "SAVE ME LUNA! PLEASE OH PLEASE! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"  
  
O__O  
  
"...................uh......."  
  
Motherly instincts and angry teen hostility knocked heads in the battle of the titans within Luna's mind.  
  
~*~Dgdbnozsrhzgeeitbauf bzzzzzzzz schminglehorf~*~  
  
Karmi: HI! I get to do some commentary! COOL! Hey, is this thing on? ~knocks mic over~  
  
Tech Guy: ~fixes it~ Yeah, its on. Go ahead.  
  
Karmi: Thankies! ~coughs~ Anyway, I've known Luna second longest in this story. I'd tell you who knew her before me, but then she'd take away my candy. ;__; NO! NOT THE CANDY!  
  
Tech Guy: ~clears throat~  
  
Karmi: Oh yeah. Anyway, I wanted to clear up the "motherly instinct" line in this story. You have to understand that in Luna's dimension she not only takes care of 3 younger siblings but is also quite the talented psychiatrist (a nickel per hour, quarter for evil warlords). So she's very matronly, thus the strong tugs on her instincts.  
  
Even if it is Carrot asking to be saved.  
  
Tech Guy: X___x  
  
Karmi: That's about it I think. OKAY! ONWARD MY HOES!  
  
Tech Guy: CUT! Can we edit that out?!  
  
~*~Bzzzzzzzz~*~  
  
In an amazing show of restraint and compassion on our disgruntled victim's part (no, not Carrot) Luna Nehelania Pierce slowly pried Carrot's arms from around her middle and stood him up in front of her.  
  
Her arms locked on his shoulders, she raised her gaze to clash with his in (what Carrot described as) "a sickening glare. The kind that makes you want to run if your legs weren't already bolted to the floor with ph33r."  
  
Mille and the others who, as soon as the dust cloud from the destruction had cleared, were watching were both shocked and scared for their friend.  
  
Shocked that Carrot had held out this long and scared for his medical bill when this was all said and done with.  
  
"Carrot Glace. I want you to slowly- do you hear me, I said SLOOOOOOOOWLY- tell me something. What the fuck is wrong?!"  
  
Carrot, for his part, blinked in uncomprehending confusion for a moment. This was a girl talking. A human (as far as he knew at least)- albeit partially sane - girl. (She was nothing short of sweet and nice compared to Chocolate and Tira though. No leather.)  
  
Offering. Him. Help.  
  
As you can see, this doesn't happen too often in the life of Carrot Glace. Because in his mind, Chocolate and Tira didn't count as girls.  
  
However that didn't mean he was stupid enough to let the opportunity pass to shock! "MY SAVIOR!" Jumping forward Carrot yoinked (again with the yoinking) Luna around, quivering and hiding behind her.  
  
"SAVE ME FROM HIM LUNA! DON'T LET HIM GET TO ME!"  
  
"Hello!"  
  
Mille Feuille, who had been watching the entire time, wiggled his fingers in a nervous wave. 'So this was who Big Mama warned be about! But weren't there TWO girls?'  
  
"I'm Mille Feuille! It's a pleasure to meet you."  
  
He bowed and, much to the shock off all but Karmi and the horror of Carrot, she took a deep sigh and cracked a leisurely grin on her face before bowing back.  
  
(AN: courtesy of answering the phone a helluva lot in the middle of very vulgar/violent sibling fights. You get used to pulling a 360 on your emotions. XP)  
  
"Hello Mille! My name is Luna! I apologize if I scared you at all, but I'm not from around here and I'm still getting used to the- er- people." Her eye gave a sudden twitch.  
  
Mille grinned and waved to the appalled creature that cowered behind the black-clad female. "Hi Carrot! Did you miss me?"  
  
"GYAH! WHAT ROCK DID YOU CRAWL FROM?! STAY AWAY!"  
  
"Oh Carrot," Mille laughed, a fluttery kind of chuckle, "You make me sound like a worm!"  
  
"PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE LUNA! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Twitch. Twitch. Twitch. Sigh.  
  
Luna smiled wider now, although it was painfully obvious at how suddenly strained it was. 'Must be civil. Must be civil. Must hurt Carrot. MUST HURT- "  
  
"If you'll excuse me Mille. I'll just be a moment."  
  
With that Luna spun on her heel, gruffly yanked Carrot by the shirt, and chucked him through the open door and into the hallway. Off he went, into the air. And off she stomped, following his sorry ass.  
  
(AN: It's a bird! It's a plane!)  
  
"THAT'S TWICE NOW YOU'VE RUINED MY ROOM! TWICE CARROT! AND OVER WHAT?! A HENTAI PRANK AND A FUCKING VISITOR THAT YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO BE NICE TO?!"  
  
The occupants of the room, now including the elusive Twinkie and the falling over gasping for air they were laughing so hard Jade and Karmi, watched in (for the most part) shock and very carefully hidden amusement (except on Jade and Karmi's parts) as Luna proceeded to bash a pleading Carrot into the wall.  
  
Several times.  
  
"BUT HE'S GAY LUNA! AND HE WON'T STOP HUGGING ME!"  
  
Bash. Peal. Crack.  
  
"SO WHAT?! LOOK AT THE WAY YOU CHASE GIRLS! OR DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS?!"  
  
Smash. Crash.  
  
"YOU MEAN YOU DON'T?!"  
  
.....  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"  
  
Bang. Boom. Bash. Crash. Crack. SMACK.  
  
Carrot slid to the ground, beaten into pulp (AN: Heh-heh. Carrot pulp. Get it?). Luna, for her part, was crying in frustration. Her throat was so sore from yelling however, that her voice cracked and wheezed as she spoke.  
  
"Of all the places and all the worlds to get stuck in, I had to be teleported to the one place where every living grass blade and every rock or pebble have some sort of vendetta against me."  
  
"WHO THE FUCK PASSED OUT LUNA VOODOO DOLLS, EH? WHY ME?!"  
  
Sobbing, she sunk to the floor next to Carrot. "Why me?" Shocked as the Hunters were, Mille was not so careless as to just stand there. Walking over quickly he put his arms around her shoulders and held the poor-weeping girl until her sobs had died into sniffles.  
  
Embarrassed she hung her face, her thick waves of hair thankfully covering her blush.  
  
"Goddamnit I did it again. I'm sorry. I hate it when I break down."  
  
Mille smiled at her as he passed her a tissue (Magically appearing tissues. Oh yeah.) "That's perfectly understandable. I don't mind if you get upset. Just. please don't kill poor Carrot."  
  
As if to prove his point he nudged the bruised and battered body that lay next to them. It twitched in response.  
  
Luna laughed and shook her head to clear it. "I better start cleaning up my room. I'll see you later Mille." She started to walk off, waving behind her to dismiss him.  
  
"Wait! LUU-NA! Can I help?"  
  
Blink. Blink. Blink blink blink blink.  
  
"You want to- HeLp Me?!"  
  
Nod-nod.  
  
Blink. GAPE. Blink.  
  
"Well- uh- okay then. I could use a hand with the fallen dresser."  
  
'A FRIEND! SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HATE ME! I FOUND A FRIEND!'  
  
The door closed and the sounds of progress were heard.  
  
(AN: don't you dare go interpreting that the wrong way.)  
  
"CARROT!"  
  
"BROTHER!"  
  
Marron, Tira and Chocolate (now that they were capable of movement) decided that the coast was clear for them to tend to Carrot's wounds and "battle scars". Although Chocolate was in near hysterics over his current state Marron and Tira could not deny that yes, Carrot had gone a tad bit over the line.  
  
Still, the fact that she had offered to HELP him still irked them.  
  
"Come on Sis. We can take him to the village doctor down the street."  
  
Cradling a moaning Carrot to her body, Chocolate nodded and instantaneously slung the injured patient over her shoulder.  
  
Completely neglecting his injuries.  
  
"OWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
"CARROT! You're awake!"  
  
"~whimper~ It hu~rts!"  
  
"~sigh~ I know brother, but don't worry. We'll be at the Shaman in a moment."  
  
Seeing that, yes, Carrot would live Tira saw it as proper a signal as any that she could now chew him out as much as she wanted without fear for his health.  
  
"Carrot you IDIOT why did you go and--"  
  
Thus ends another normal Sorcerer Hunters day.  
  
"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY! I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY! Woo-hoo! Go faster Dota! Faster! I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY~~"  
  
Well. "Normal" in a very VAGUE and figuratively speaking way. 


End file.
